The Ellen Show..need I say more??!!!

Everyone has been asking questions about my AMAZING ELLEN experience!!

So here goes nothing..I hope I can answer most all questions in one long post! 

Tuesday April 2nd I woke up, went to work just like a normal day. I hadn’t talked to anyone from the Ellen show in over 2 months-they called me In January but then i never heard back from them. 

Around 12:30, I was in Mt Juliet for a work meeting and I got a phone call ((I have the numbers saved as THE ELLEN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)) So instantly I answered!!

The producer said they were doing follow up interviews from the birthday show for an online segment, is there anyway you could come to LA?! 

DUH. OF COURSE. When?! 

Tonight.

Ummmm what???? Yes!!!!!!

(In reality I had no idea if I could, but I was willing to move mountains to make it happen bc when Ellen calls its a big dang deal!) 

He said he was so excited and so sorry it’s so last minute but he would call me and let me know the finalized details in a little while, that it could potentially just be a Skype interview from my house. 

5 hours went by....FIVE LONG HOURS, I was literally checking my phone every 2.5 seconds. I was determined it wasn’t going to happen.

He called me back at 530 (I was just leaving work) and said your flight leaves at 830 tonight and your hotel is booked! Can you make it to the airport?!! 

YESSSSSSS!!!! 

Wait, 8 pm like 2 1/2 hours?????!! 😬😬😬

(In all actuality I have no idea how we did it-I was in Hendersonville leaving work, I still had to go home in gallatin, pack, get kids taken care of, get a ride to the airport and through security and pray our flight didn’t leave us)

I had a million questions, and all they would tell me was : just worry about getting to the airport! We will take care of everything else. Just don’t miss your flight! 

I don’t know what I was thinking when I was packing, I literally just started throwing stuff in my bag. Nothing matched, nothing made sense. Just random pieces of clothing. 😂😂

Of course Brandon lost his phone at the airport hahaha. luckily we found it, Thanks findmyiphone!!! It fell in between the belt of the security line where you place all of your items to go through the X-ray machine.

We made it to LA around 1130pm- a fancy driver in a fancy car picked us up from the airport holding an iPad with my name on it (Taylor Rowe for the Ellen Degeneres show -how freakin cool!!!) 

He asked me about my nonprofit/humanitarian work, and I didn’t think anything of it, but in retrospect I think he knew more of what was going on than I did!!! 

We were starving so he took us to In & Out first thing 😂😂

We woke up the next morning and they sent another fancy car and driver to take us to the studio. Except this time I got to go in a difference entrance, I got to go in backstage where Ellen goes in! Her car was parked right beside the entrance & there was much more security to get through.

The producer meets us In the parking lot and takes us to a backstage room. He is still insistent on saying I am being interviewed for an online segment, but Ellen was taping a show today and i might could check it out while i am here. Ummm yes!!!!! 

A second producer came in and told me I needed to change for the taping of the show bc my dress was strapless (whoops) 

So they gave me an outfit to wear (whattt?! In retrospect I think they were afraid I was going to lose my mind like the first time and a boob might fall out of my dress 😂😬😂😬) 

Right after I got changed, they came back and said they had 2 extra seats for us to watch the show! He walked us down, and everyone else was already seated. I got to sit in twitch’s seat!!!!! 

Before I knew it, she was saying my name and calling me on stage. 

OH. MY. GOSH. 

IS THIS REAL LIFE?!!!!!

I am sitting across from my biggest inspiration. 

My butt is sitting in the white chair where so many amazing celebrities have sat!!!!!!

My life goal is coming true. 

It happened SO fast. I still don’t know that I have entirely processed it. One thing i do know is that I snatched that money out of her hand so fast 😂😂😂

I have rehearsed in my mind 1937383992 things I would want to tell Ellen, and once again my mind went to mush. I did have the opportunity to talk to her during the commercial break, and told her how much of an inspiration she was to me..and y’all ELLEN DEGENERES TOLD ME I WAS AN INSPIRATION TO HER 😭😭😭😭😭

She truly is the kindest soul with the biggest heart. Every holiday my fiancé Brandon asks what I want, and every holiday my answer remains the exact same: TO GO BACK TO ELLEN.

I was given $10,000 and tons of Ellen swag. I decided to put the entire $10,000 into Live Love Nashville and give it all back to people in need. I haven’t decided how I am going to give back yet, but I can assure you that lives will be changed because of Ellen’s generosity!!!! 

Can I go back now?!!

Be kind to one another

Love love love 

Xoxo

Tay

After something amazing happens I get a "happiness hangover."

Something amazing happens...now what?

I LOVE being happy. Doesn’t everyone?! I love those moments when you smile uncontrollably, and you laugh until you cry. I’m sure you can all think of a handful of moments in your life that were extraordinary.

However, in my own life, after the AMAZING moments also come an “emotional hangover”. If your hangovers from alcohol are like mine have been, you lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. It’s pretty depressing. I typically say things like “I’m never drinking again!”

My idea of an “emotional hangover” is something i have made up (heck, maybe it’s a real thing, I’m not sure) and i know it sounds absolutely crazy that you could have a hangover from being too happy. But that’s exactly what it is, where something amazing happens but then everything feels “blah” afterwards.

This has happened to me numerous times after my most amazing memories, it’a period of time where I was on cloud nine and then CRASH. Reality sets in, and life is just kinda BLAH for a brief period after the happiest memories. These are a few examples of my happiness hangovers:

I am not a good planner. At all. Hence, 2 unplanned pregnancies, and I’ve been engaged 2 1/2 years and still haven’t even picked a date to get married. Haha.

I was 19 when i got pregnant with Addi, and that meant I had 9 months to grow the heck up. The first 19 years of my life I had been spoiled, lucky, wild, selfish, and careless. I went into labor around 3AM, and suddenly, shit got real. I had 9 months to prepare for her arrival but apparently I prepared everything, except my mind. I loved being pregnant. While I was pregnant I could protect her, I didn’t drink any alcohol or excessive amounts of caffeine. I read the pregnancy books and asked the doctors millions of questions to do everything in my power to have a healthy baby and keep her safe. For me, pregnancy was easy, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t swell, And i actually felt beautiful for once in my life. Then addi made her debut...

something amazing happened in my life, now what?!

I didn’t know what the heck to do. I had exerted every emotion in my being while delivering her in the hospital. By far the best day in my 20 year old life. But then I came home from the hospital. I had read all the books, I had talked to all my friends and doctors, I actually grew up (surprisingly), i fed her, I changed her, I burped her, but she just kept crying...and crying.

I didn’t know what to do. So I cried, too. **I had a happiness hangover**

Ever since i was little, i knew I wanted to help people, I just didn’t know how I wanted to do it. I put it off, and put it off, until finally I decided to bite the bullet and start a charity.

Something amazing happened, now what?! I didn’t know what the heck to do. **I had a happiness hangover**

But I did it, I decided I wasn’t going to procrastinate any longer. ((In hindsight, I probably should have procrastinated a little longer to figure things out)) I started Live Love Nashville in late October/early November 2016, and by December, the local news was calling me, wanting interviews... How awesome, right?!! A month in, and already get so much recognition. I was TERRIFIED. I didn’t know what the heck I was doing, I just knew I wanted to help people.

Once I was on the news everyone started asking me, “are you going to quit your job? What are you going to do next? I bet you’re going to be famous.”

Something amazing happened, now what?! I didn’t know what the heck to do.

People were assuming I was going to be famous and had all my shit together when in reality, I didn’t even have a website to sell my charity shirts on.

**I had a happiness hangover**

Ellen....my gosh. When I was surprised by Ellen it was the best moment and so surreal. It was all such a whirlwind, and i had so many unrealistic visions of what i thought would happen afterwards. I had it in my mind, I was going to quit my job, move to California, work for Ellen and do charity work full time, and live happily ever after. Haha unfortunately, that didn’t play out. I came back home, got overwhelmed with tons of orders and other media coverage. And then a few days later, life went right back to normal.

Something amazing happened...now what?! **I had a happiness hangover**

When Brandon proposed it was the most magical night, everything was perfect. I thought he was taking me to the cupcake atm machine,nope! He had rented the top of the country music hall of fame, overlooking all of Nashville. His friend Michael set it up, there was a tiny table with champagne and dessert from the Cheesecake Factory.

Something amazing happened, now what?! I didn’t know what the heck to do. **I had a happiness hangover**

Everyone kept saying our wedding was going to be so beautiful and amazing, the wedding of the year. Talk about pressure. So instantly I started calling venues, I wanted to get married where he proposed because it was so beautiful. $47,000 right off the bat-and that’s not all costs. Woahhhhh. I’m the girl who orders water to save $2 at restaurants, people.

So here we are, 2 1/2 years later without a wedding.

**I had a happiness hangover**

Some of the most amazing things that have happened in my life were also the most terrifying.

Most days, I have no idea what I’m doing. Life is such an adventure with twists and turns that only God can predict. Sometimes, the unplanned-unexpected things are the most beautiful.

My philosophy is, if I would have waited until I was married to have kids, I would still not have any children at 29. If i would have planned a wedding right after our engagement, we may have been divorced already, just being honest. If I had waited until I was financially ready for kids, I probably would never have children because, let’s be honest, I will never feel financially stable, no matter how much money is in my bank account. Some weeks I might splurge on getting my nails done, other weeks I eat leftovers and order water instead of Coke to save $2.00.

Has anyone else ever had a happiness hangover?!

Love love love

xoxo

Tay

So many acquaintances, yet no real friends.

I’m planning a wedding!!! YAY. Finally.

But when I think about choosing bridesmaids, suddenly I get all kinds of anxiety.

Have y’all seen the movie 27 dresses with Katherine Heigl?! Her character has been in 27 weddings as a brides maid, but she has never been a bride. It’s a really cute comedy.

My experience is a little different. I’ve been to about 40 weddings over the past 5 years, but only once have I been a bridesmaid.

I feel like an outsider would say that I have TONS of friends, because I always have something going on in my life. However, now that I’m starting to plan a wedding of my own, I have no idea who my maid of honor would be, or even bridesmaids. Because the truth is...I don’t have close friends, anymore.

I could make a 500 person guest list, easy Peasy. I have tons of people to invite and that I love, but none that I am super close with. I have so many acquaintances, but no one that I call on a regular basis just to talk. No one that I talk to about heavy things. No one I cry to if I have a horrible day.

Why?! I love the people in my life, I have a great time when I am around them.

I work with tons of women, and get along great with most of them. I actually spend just as much time with them at work as I do with my family. If I had to pick the people I am closest with right now, it would be my work family. It’s so hard for me to let people see me as anything but happy, but lets be real..my work family has for sure seen me under stress.

The only people I truly open up with are: Brandon, my kids, and my family. Is that normal? When you grow up, you don’t have friends anymore? Is it my fault? Am I not likeable anymore, do I work too much, do I not put in enough effort for friends?!

In elementary school I had three best friends. I knew Kelsey from preschool, I played softball with Heather, and Alyssa lived in my neighborhood.

My poor dad took us to see *NSYNC, Britney Spears, and Spice Girls. I just KNEW we would be best friends forever, and they would all be my maids of honor. I even had it planned out, we would all live in the same neighborhood and have kids at the same time and then our kids would be best friends, too.

By middle school we had already drifted some, and now I couldn’t even tell you Kelsey or Alyssa’s phone numbers. I still talk to Heather occasionally, Addi and I were in her wedding(the only time i’ve been a bridesmaid.)

When I was in middle school, I had a new BEST friend, Lauren. We did everything together. Went on trips together, were always at each other’s house or on the phone. We were constantly writing each other notes every day at school, and I just new we would be best friends FOREVER. We even looked like sisters.

Well, I was mistaken again. I only run into her a few times a year now, in passing. By Junior year of high school, we had already drifted. I went down a bit of a wild path, and she did not.

While I was going down my wild streak, that’s when I met Ali.

She was my BEST friend. I told my parents I spent the night with her EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for 2 summers straight. Only part of that was true though, I was always with Ali… but we never spent the night at her house. I finally got caught when my mom ran into Ali’s mom, and they figured out we were both lying. Oopsies. Ali loved me, NO MATTER WHAT. I could tell her EVERYTHING, even if I did something horrible, she still loved me the same. Then i went away to college at UT and Ali stayed in Hendersonville, suddenly we just stopped talking. There were 2 girls that Ali hated, so naturally as her best friend, I had the same dislike for them, even though I didn’t even know them. Flash forward to today, I don’t even see or talk to Ali, but I talk to the 2 girls I once hated on a pretty regular basis.

I was only away in Knoxville for a year before I found out I was pregnant with Addi. And guess who threw me my baby shower?! My friend Lauren…from middle school! Even though we weren’t close anymore, she went out of her way to show me how much she truly cared.

Do y’all think the saying is true, “when you have a baby you find out who your true friends are?” I say yes, and no. I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby. So naturally, we didn’t have a lot in common anymore and kinda lost touch. All of my friends were in Panama City on spring break when I was at the hospital in labor with Addi, haha. If I had been older, or if my friends also had kids, I’m not sure that we would have lost touch.

When I had Aidyn, more of my friends had children, but to this day I still rarely bring my kids around my friends kids. Why is that?!! I honestly don’t know, I’m becoming more and more of a homebody and enjoy my quality time with my kids, so maybe that’s part of it.

I want more quality friendships. I think I need that in my life, everyone needs that. I have this constant battle in my head saying things like “I don’t fit in with girls who don’t have kids, I don’t fit in with the stay at home moms, I don’t fit in with the super fit girls. I just don’t fit in.”

So where do I fit in?!! Who are my people? I am so thankful for my family and Brandon, they are my people. They see the raw-real me, and love me the same.

I am doing a new project called #100drinks with a purpose. I am taking 100 people on a date or out for a drink and the goal is that I will build more quality relationships with people, and start having more than just surface conversations about nothing. I would love for you to be a part of it! Please let me know if you would be interested.

Love love love Xoxo Tay

The Things I Said I Would Never Do... I Did

Do y’all ever feel like God is playing jokes on you and just laughing hysterically at you?!

I sure do.

I am so quick to say things like “I would NEVER EVER do that.”

Then God just sits back and starts laughing...because nearly every time I say something like that, I end up doing the very thing I swore I would never do.

I have always said, I would NEVER buy a new car. “It’s such a waste of money, as soon as you drive off the lot you are instantly loosing thousands of dollars, who cares about a brand new car anyways?” A few weeks ago I was in a discussion with a friend and was saying how foolish it was to spend all that money on a brand new car, when you can get a gently used one instead. Flash forward to today. I am the owner of a BRAND NEW Nissan Murano. I bought it last night. I did what I said I would NEVER do. *cue the laughter from God at this point* #NeverSayNever

Do I think I made a bad decision? Not at all, it’s what made sense and felt right for me, at this point in my life. Now, if you ask me this question again when i get ready to get rid of it, my opinion may be different. Haha. But, I got a brand new car cheaper than the same car that is used with 30K miles. THANKS NICOLE at Nissan of Murfreesboro!

When I was in high school I was a part of True Love Waits in church, which is making a commitment to no sex before marriage.

I even had a cool true love waits ring, until I lost it. (Oopsies)

I swore that I would never ever have sex before marriage, it was a non negotiable for me. Flash forward to today, I have 2 kids and I’m still not married. And let’s be real, i am no Virgin Mary, either. *cue laughter from God* #NeverSayNever I mean seriously..I actually thought I could refrain from sex because I was so strong..yeah right! I was probably the most insecure girl in the entire state of Tennessee when I was 17-21. I just wanted anyone to love me, no matter who you were or how you treated me.

Judging other children and parents before I had kids of my own was another real eye opener for me as well.

“I would never let my kids play with the iPad at the dinner table.” “I would never let my kids eat that.” “I would never let my kids sleep in the bed with me.” “I would spank my kid if he ever did that.”

Flash forward to today, my kids have iPads when we go out to eat, my kids have eaten cotton candy and funnel cakes for dinner, both of my kids still occasionally sleep in the bed with us, my kids have gotten away with murder (ok, not literally, but they get away with way everything), and I can only recall 2 times I have spanked either of my children. *cue the laughter from God* #NeverSayNever

Although these are funny things that have happened in my life, I also feel like there are tons of things we say “we will never do” that cause tears from God.

**disclaimer-these don’t apply to my life personally but I know multiple people in these situations**

So many women are so quick to say “I would never stay in an abusive relationship, I would never put up with that.” Flash forward to a drunken night and their significant other shoves them, but apologizes repeatedly. That is, until it happens again and suddenly it just becomes a habit. Did you know 1 in 3 people have been involved in some sort of physical abuse in a relationship?! **cue tears from God** #NeverSayNever

“I will never be a drug addict, I don’t understand how people could ever get to that point.” Flash forward, you start having back pain so you go to the doctor and they give you pain pills. But then you find yourself taking 3 tablets when it says take 1. Then you are calling for a refill, and then another. Then suddenly you are looking for the pills on the streets, and you need something stronger because you have built a tolerance. Heroine is cheaper than pills, and you are out of money. before you know it you could be addicted to heroine. **cue tears from God** #NeverSayNever

I truly believe that God intentionally throws a curveball in my life every time that I think I have it all figured out by myself. Life is so full of twists and turns and just because you feel strongly about something doesn’t mean you will have those same feelings 3 months from now. Your relationship status, financial status, employment status, health, and priorities are all things that could potentially change at any given time. But Gods timing is perfect, and i truly believe that if I had not gone through so many lows I would have never enjoyed all the highs.

I went to a work seminar about relationships last week and the speaker mentioned if we had a different perspective on things it could potentially change our entire outlook.

For instance, Just because you see a child screaming in the store doesn’t always mean that child is acting bad or the parent doesn’t have control. What if they are there because they have to get medication because the child has a bad ear infection and he’s screaming because he is in so much pain?

Just because someone snaps at you at work, doesn’t always mean they don’t like you. What if their spouse just told them they want a divorce that morning?

Just because a child scores poorly on a test doesn’t always mean they aren’t smart or don’t know the material, what if they haven’t eaten in 2 days because they don’t have any food in the house and they are so hungry they can’t concentrate ?!

I can be the worlds worst when it comes to jumping to conclusions, but I am really trying to step back and realize that every person has a story. Every story is different, and ultimately every person just wants to feel loved. I can’t control how anyone else acts, but I can control how I respond. And I know that I will never regret being kind. I choose kindness, and being open and respectful of others opinions.

Love love love

Xoxo

Tay

I only have 260 weekends left, how many do you have?!

I only have 260 weekends left. How many do you have?

Confession... I created the title extra dramatic to make you click on this and read it  did it work?!

Although it’s dramatic, it’s actually true. 26 weekends a year...that’s how many weekends I have my daughter Addi. Out of 365 days I only have her 52 days.

So i did a little basic math... and that means I only have 260 weekends left with my Addi until she is 18, moved out, and in college or working (hopefully!)

Wait what...!??

Yep. It’s true. Addilyn is 8 years old and in the 3rd grade this year. Her dad and I split up before she turned 1 so she doesn’t have any memories of us together as a family, except for pictures.

She was screaming on the outside, I was screaming on the inside during our family pictures. Needless to say we are much better apart than we ever were together. We co-parent pretty well together, and see eye to eye most of the time. He gets her every other weekend on Fridays and then I get her back on Monday evening.

Do I regret leaving him? Absolutely not.. However, I have been doing quite a bit of soul searching recently, and it made me realize I only have 1/2 the time with her. Obviously, I knew this when I left, however it’s just now hitting me pretty hard.

She is already 8, and it has FLOWN by. In 8 more years she will be driving. Lord, help me.

In 10 more years around this time is when she will be starting college.

That’s 260 weekends. Only 520 full days that I get to spend with her.

Y’all, that is only a year and a half of quality time that I have with my daughter.

I know, I know…you think I’m crazy for looking at it that way, because in reality i have 10 more years with her until then, but I work full time from 8-5 Monday thru Friday and also do Live Love Nashville during the evenings and early mornings.

I try to spend every weeknight at home with my babies- but honestly it’s eating, baths, homework, then bed...so I don’t even consider that time to be factored into this quality time. After I get off work every night it’s “eat your vegetables, eat 4 more bites, do your homework, let me wash your hair, brush your teeth, put on your pjs, pick out a bedtime story” then we talk in bed about each of our days and what we are thankful for, pray, then they are asleep.

The weekends are OUR time as a family. We have 48 hours every weekend with Aidyn, and every other weekend with Addi and I LOVE my weekends.

We have been so blessed with our families being involved and loving our children endlessly. We have never once paid a babysitter to watch our kids, it has always been family members. I can only recall a handful of times in 8 years when we didn’t have anyone to watch the kids for something we needed to do. We have even gotten the calls “hey do you need us to watch the kids?!” And so easily, we would always say “SURE!” Even if we had nothing to do and nowhere to go.

It’s so nice to have a break sometimes. However, in hindsight, I wish I hadn’t spent so many nights out. I wish I had been at home with my babies instead. The nights out caused so many fights between me and Brandon, and lots of hangovers the following day when I could have been creating great memories with the kids instead.

Did you know 90% of a child’s brain is developed by age 5? Yep, FIVE. 90% of their personality is developed by age 7.

My point is, I have 26 weekends every single year to make it right with my daughter. That’s only 52 days. As parents we only have our children for a very short amount of time, and during that time it is our responsibility to teach them things that will last a lifetime-kindness, love, compassion, fairness, strive for greatness, and so many other great qualities. If we don’t give our kids the attention they deserve, they will go searching for the attention elsewhere.

I know I will never be able to teach my kids those qualities if I am distracted during my quality time with them.

Ever since I started Live Love Nashville I feel like people are constantly telling me how selfless I am, but in all reality I can be pretty selfish, too. I am constantly on the go, so whenever I have down time all I want to do is sleep, or be lazy. By myself. No kids, no Brandon, nothing. Just me, myself, and maybe a good book or junk TV. Heck, i’ve even locked myself in the bathroom scrolling through social media for nearly an hour. WHY??!! I am scrolling through everyone else’s memories instead of making memories of my own. I sure as heck don’t know why I do that, but i’ve done it on more than one occasion.

Now let’s talk about my littlest love Aidyn, he is my baby. He is 4 years old and wild as hell, yet sweet as pie. I am so blessed that Brandon and I are raising him together, and that we are able to spend every weekend with our little man.

Instead of 26 weekends we have 52 weekends a year with him. But still, that is only 104 full days a year. We have Aidyn 26 more weekends a year than we have Addi.

Do I wish we had addi with us on those weekends?! Absolutely. Positively, yes.

However, I must say Aidyn thrives when I give him individual attention when addi isn’t home. It is obviously much easier for me to do since Addi is at her dads every other weekend, but I think it’s so important for all children to receive that one on one interaction with parents. And that one on one interaction with your partner is just as important—MAKE time for date nights!!! I took Aidyn to get ice cream one night without Addi & daddy, we had SO much fun. He really opened up, and thought it was so great that we were getting ice cream and we left Addi and daddy at home.

Maybe I’m crazy, but y’all, sitting down and realizing how little time and how fast it is flying by makes me want to quit my job, snuggle my babies, and travel the world with them.

Ok..ok, back down to reality. That’s just not possible for me, but gosh it sure does make me want to value the time I do have with them.

I am challenging myself for 26 weekends, i will put down my phone, stay off social media, turn off junk tv, and create memories with my babies. Will you take the challenge with me!?

Not just a dumb blonde...anymore

This is my first “blog”, so don’t be too critical. 

I say “blog”, but in all reality, i am not a Blogger. When I think of bloggers, I think of people that have it all together(or can atleast fake it), people that you look up to, people that you want to be like, or people that are in incredible at something like makeup, organization, working out, or married to someone rich or famous. 

I am none of those. Not even close, actually. I am thinking of this as an electronic journal that I will laugh at in 20 years with my kids. 

A brief background about me for kicks & giggles, I’m Taylor, I am from Hendersonville, Tennessee. I have two children-Addi and Aidyn, and a fiancé-Brandon. 

Oh I forgot to mention, my children have different dads... and I’ve never been married... Hence, not your average blogger. Brandon has been in Addilyn's life for over 7 years so she doesn't even remember life without him. 

It’s really interesting on sundays at church when I take the kids to their class:                                Church volunteer-“Last name?”                                                                                                         Me- “who’s last name? My last name is Rowe, Addi’s last name is Wheeler, and Brandon & Aidyn’s last name is Reed.”                                                                                                                        Church volunteer- Blank stare. 

I used to let the judgement bother me, but now I dont.  Ok—that’s a bold face lie, it still bothers me, but I’m used to it more now. The part that bothers me the most is the face that the tone in people's voices change once they find out my children have different dads. Yep, even in 2018 the judgment is real.  Heck, I have judged women without even knowing them, because they have children with different men..who does that when I am in that same category!??!                                                                                                                                                            

Me. A dumb blonde. 

If I ever wrote a book I said I would title it Not just a dumb blonde...anymore                             Since the author thing isn’t working out for me, it will be the title of my first blog instead. 

I have always been the girl who wants everyone to love me, no matter what the circumstances may be. I felt like if i acted like a dumb blonde, others would feel smarter around me and like me more. For years i have acted like a dumb blonde even when in actuality i wasn’t even having a dumb blonde moment.

I am actually pretty intelligent, I skipped first grade because I was testing much more advance for my age. I graduated and went off to college at 17.  I was terrified to ever tell anyone though, because i was scared they wouldn’t like me if they knew i was smart, or they might think of me differently.                          

Who does that!??? Me. A dumb blonde. 

I also wanted to “fix” people, specifically boys. In high school I picked the worst of the worst when it came to guys. They would be the players, the party boys, the never settle down kind of boys. And the worse they treated me, the more I loved them. I was determined I would be the one to make them settle down. BOY, was I wrong!! I have cried enough tears to fill up the grand canyon, and 90% of those tears were over people that didn't matter. I wanted them to love me so much, I would spend HOURS getting ready every night.

Brandon and I have been together for about 7 years, and when we first started dating the thought of him seeing me without makeup was absolutely terrifying. I would sleep in my makeup, wake up with eyeliner and mascara all down my face, and zits because I didn't take my makeup off. Then I would just apply more makeup on top of the zits to cover them up. I would rather have a face full of zits I can cover up than take the risk of exposing my actual face without makeup.                                                                                                                           

Who does that!?? Me. A dumb blonde.

I even learned how to do my makeup where it would look "natural" and where it looked like I didn't have any makeup on, but in reality I spent 45 minutes caking on makeup to look like I didn't have any makeup on.

Who does that??! Me. A dumb blonde.

I would rehearse things in my head to say, so I didn’t say anything stupid. In high school, I can even remember praying one night begging God to “Please let him want to hang out with me and pick me to hangout with this weekend instead of her.” 

Who does that!?? Me. A dumb blonde.                                                                                               (FYI- if you have to pray and beg God that a boy picks you, instead of other girls he’s also talking to, he probably isn’t the one for you!)

I would defend the guys every single time though, I would end up hating girls I have never even met because I was intimidated by them.

Who does that?! Me. A dumb blonde.

Up until this past year or 2, i haven’t had an opinion about anything. Whether it’s what I want to eat, how I want to decorate the house, even when asked “how much money do you want to make” I responded, i don’t know. If someone asks me to what i want to eat, in my head I might be saying “pizza pizza pizza” but if they suggest “kale salads” I would say “sounds fabulous” even if it sounds absolutely awful to me, the thought of them feeling like I don’t like their suggestion makes me want to cry. 

Who does that!? Me. A dumb blonde. 

Once I finally started gaining confidence in myself, I gained 20 pounds. Seriously. Haha. But the strange thing is, I feel so much more secure now than I did before. I bought a bunch of one piece bathing suits and ate my pizza and donuts with a happy, secure heart.

** If you are a female and don't own a one piece I HIGHLY recommend it. I know, I know..I swore I would never wear a one piece until I was like 60, but my goodness, I have been missing out!! Do I have a 6 pack of abs, or a 6 pack of jelly donuts under that one piece?! No one knows and it's magical!!**

I look back at pictures and want to punch myself because I thought I was so ugly and fat, when I was 18 and 100 pounds. I always thought if I could just lose 5 more pounds I would feel pretty, maybe if my boobs were bigger that would definitely make me beautiful, or maybe if my teeth were whiter and straighter-that would be the real key to my inner happiness. So I did all of those things, but still, I had nothing but the same insecurities with a smaller belly, bigger boobs, and whiter teeth. 

Who does that!? Me. A dumb blonde. 

I say all of this, because even though I may have countless dumb blonde moments throughout every single day, that does not define my life. It has taken me 28 years to realize I am ENOUGH. I am SMART. I am WORTHY. It’s ok to have an opinion that is different from someone else. I wish all of MY insecurities didn’t affect so much of my life, it hurt no one but myself and the relationships in my life. If nothing else, I hope you know that YOU are ENOUGH. YOU are SMART. YOU can change the world because you were BORN to CHANGE THE WORLD.

Chase your dreams, and dream big. Make your own happiness. Love the life you are living.  You were born for greatness!!!

When I started Live Love Nashville, I was TERRIFIED that no one would support me or believe in my vision. I was so nervous I almost didn’t go through with it. Looking back, if i had let my insecurities consume me the 10,000 people I’ve helped wouldn’t have received it. Instead of being scared, I took a leap of faith and stopped being scared of everyone else’s opinions and started believing in myself and it landed me on the Ellen show  but that’s an entire different story for a different day!! I am here to say ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. 

One last thing, I’m actually a dumb blonde that pays $120 every 8 weeks to be a blonde. Really, I’m just a dumb brunette. 

Love love love                                                                                                                                          xoxo                                                                                                                                                             Tay